Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
