i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
