im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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