Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize