I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
