weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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