i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
