you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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