I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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