Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
