Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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