The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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