You really coming over, don't trick.
Kiss
Puke
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
