I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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