o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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