How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
