If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
