Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize