is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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