how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize