omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
