I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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