I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
