god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
