No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
