She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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