he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
