oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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