you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
