i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i need some magic done to my vagina
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
