Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I want her autograph on my taint
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
