i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
