let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
