mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
