the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize