Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
