When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
