end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
