I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
