two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
