I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
how drunk are you?
Several
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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