Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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