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she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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