my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
