I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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