Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
