I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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