I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
