My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
These tits shall not be calmed
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
