If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
