I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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