Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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