Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize