So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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