Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
