my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
