It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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