i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Pants are for mortals
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
