he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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