Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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