my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize