fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
