dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
