I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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