just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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