Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
