I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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