I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
