Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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