i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This is classic penis vs brain.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I just sharted jello shots
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
