If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize