4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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