I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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