I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
